#malaysiaprobs

So sometimes, things happen here that are just too bizarre to really understand. In these instances my Dutch friends like to wave their hand vaguely in the air, roll their eyes, and say in exasperation, “Malaysia.” My Canadian friends and I prefer the slightly more obnoxious, but incredibly more amusing, “hashtag Malaysia probs!”

Anyway, I thought it might be fun to go through 10 “Malaysia problems.” Enjoy!

*disclaimer. I do really like Malaysia, but no place is perfect, eh?

#1. Drains

You know how in America, our drains are under the sidewalks, accessed only by drain gates spaced out along our streets? Yeah that’s not the case here. Deep open gutters run alongside every sidewalk and street, sometimes on both sides. While this may make sense to handle the incredible water flow that happens during rainy season, to me it’s just one trip on the uneven sidewalks and I’d fall to my death.

#2. Campus Busses

I don’t think bus schedules exist here. I’ve heard theories- busses run about every 15 min in the morning and 20 min in the afternoon, busses only run when it’s at least half full… etc. Based on personal observations though, I’ve come to conclude that busses run whenever the hell the bus driver decides to move. Usually it’s after he’s gotten out to chat with a fellow bus driver and have a smoke. It could be 5 minutes or 30 min, you just never know. Now try getting to class on time, and waiting under the hot sun, and you’ll feel my pain

#3 Motorcycles

The general lack of lines meaning anything for Malaysian drivers I’ve gotten used to. Same with the tendency to view seatbelts as optional. It’s easy; I just close my eyes and hold on. However, the motorcycles I will never understand. These death contraptions weave in and out of traffic, don’t obey traffic lights, and do whatever they want, whenever they want, and always in tight spaces as if to prove their bad ass ways. The worst though is the family bike ride. Dad in front, mom in back, and baby in the middle. Baby on board! What? How and why did this ever become a thing? The child typically is not secured in any way, and is not wearing a helmet. And this is a common sight.

#4 “To Go”

The concept of taking your food to go here is communicated by saying “Take away.” “To go” is not understood. To the continuous amusement of all of us here, a to go drink comes in a small plastic bag, with one corner tied with a string that doubles as a handle, and a straw is stuck in the open corner to drink. Cups are clearly too difficult. Side note, this is also how food to go is given on occasion. So odd.

#5 Hang Glider aka the most random stuff ever

So one day, I was working out for once, and ended my run with some abs in the field in the middle of the track about a 10-minute walk from my dorm. I was doing sit ups, minding my own business, when a Malaysian hurried over and gestured that I needed to move right away. “Why?” I asked. I don’t think he spoke English very well, but he pointed to the sky. Mystified, I moved. Not 2 minutes later, a huge parachute with a man attached zoomed into view. This guy was attached to the parachute by 4 strings and had a huge propeller/fan attached to his back. Dumbfounded I watched as he came in for a landing. Within 5 minutes, 2 others had landed as well. Where did they come from? Why were they doing it? No idea.

#6 The Hills are on Fire!

The first month I was here, Penang was in the middle of one of the worst draughts it’s ever head. Consequently, everything was very brown and dry, the opposite of what one would expect of a tropical country. The dorm complex I live in is built at the bottom of a large forested hill and one day, the hills caught fire. Smoke and ash dispersed through the air, and at night it looked like a lava flow was coming for us. After a few smoky days, the fire was finally put out, thanks to “la bomba” firemen.

#7 Fogging

Speaking of smoke, there is one incident here that I positively despise. This is the practice of “fogging” aka fumigating the dorms with toxic gas to kill the mosquitoes. With little to no warning in the evening, a loud noise will whirr and the hallways, rooms, and general area will become covered in a dense, toxic, fog. Luckily the first time this happened, I was out running. The second time however, I had just gotten out of the shower and had no time to change to escape the poison. My solution was to lock myself in my room, put on my free face mask given to all students, open all my windows, and stick my head out for a good 20 minutes until they were done. The fog lingers for hours though, so I escaped as soon as I could.

#8 Sweaty

Here, you are sweaty. Almost all of the time. If you’re not dripping sweat, you’re shiny. It’s a relentless heat attack, made worse by the conservative dress we must wear. If you’re lucky and have class, you get to sit in a freezing cold lecture room. There’s just no winning, so you accept it. You’re always sweaty.

#9 Tandas

“Tandas” means toilet in Malay. And toilet usually means squat toilet. Not gonna lie, this really just isn’t my thing. If I want to squat, which I never do, I’ll do it in the gym. The other problem is toilet paper and soap. Namely, that they don’t exist in bathrooms. There is a handy hose you can use to “clean yourself” but… yeah. Therefore, Kleenex packs accompany me everywhere I go.

#10 Nokia

I bought a Malaysia phone so that outside of campus Wifi I’m not totally disconnected. It’s a Nokia and would survive the apocalypse. It’s a solid brick, never runs out of battery, and you use T9 to text! Does that take you back to 2001 or what? Best (worst) of all is its alarm. Say you set it for 7:30 am. Come that time, a women’s mechanical voice goes “It’s 7:30 am! Time to wake up! It’s 7:30 am! Time to wake up!” Oh my god. Not pleasant.

Other notable Malaysian problems include academic buildings all closing at 5 pm, library not open on sundays, super strict dress code for the library which includes no backpack (?), hard pillows, and no real desserts. A final, extreme malaysia prob is the wifi situation. Basically, wifi doesn't work that well. It requires planning to be in a wifi compatible location.

But there you go! #malaysiaprobs at their finest